shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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