you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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