I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
