I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
