so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
