3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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