I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
