I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
whose ass print is on the piano?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
