You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
