Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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