Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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