Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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