Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Randomize
