i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
