Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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