Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
