Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
