Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
