That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
