i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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