i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
