forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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