i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
