woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
