I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Randomize
