God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
