Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
