Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
