This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Randomize
