I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
