oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
