When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I party with great urgency now.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
