Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
