I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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