last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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