my phone needs a breathalizer
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
