Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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