i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
