I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You're a waste of cheezeits
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
