i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
