FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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