took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
