did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
