I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
