i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
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