That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
