they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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