We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
