im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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