I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize