sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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