What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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