That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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