He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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