i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
