Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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