Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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