I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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