My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
