Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We don't watch enough power rangers
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
