My liver just broke up with me...
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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