garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
